Sunday, December 18, 2011

payback is a dish best served coaled

Dear Nephew,

I have loved you since you were just a tiny peanut in your mother’s tummy
I loved you when you were lying in an incubator in the hospital weighing in at just a few pounds holding back the tears as I saw so many tubes and wires hooked up to your tiny little body not knowing if I would ever see you grow up. 

But God had you in the palm of His hand and I have been truly blessed to watch you grow into a fine young man, blessed indeed.
I look back on these precious 13 years we have spent together…

The time you feed me a piece of juicy fruit gum laced with chili powder
The endless mac and cheese and chicken nuggets I ate with you, I have never been able to look at those food groups quite the same again

The bouquet of stickiness you got stuck in my hair that had to be CUT OUT
The time you thought it was a good idea to lead me on a bike ride through a construction zone, the marks of that little field trip forever tatooed on my body.

The entire weekends I spent putting back together what you thought was a good idea to take apart
I still can’t get the door on my cabinet to shut properly

Our fifth spin on the tilt-a-whirl at the fair, I am not even gonna go there, but we both know what happened… I told you so
The time you programmed my cell phone… to GERMAN

When you drove my car into a pole, okay so that was my fault I should have waited until you were five to teach you how to drive
But I have to say you truly outdid yourself this last time, you got Auntie good hiding Bailey the Basset Hound’s toy mouse under my end table, and it is with much love that I give you this gift of coal for Christmas this year. I hope you understand it was all I could afford.  I had to spend the money I saved for your Christmas present on my visit to the emergency room after I ran into a wall and thought I broke my nose scrambling from the beady eyes that glared menacingly at me from underneath my table …thinking they were real.

A precious 13 years indeed.
Merry Christmas sweetheart I love you very much,
Love, Auntie Kandi

Ps. Payback is a dish best served coaled

(I did get my nephew a real Christmas gift, but I think I am going to let him sweat it out a bit thinking all he getting from me is a chunk of coal)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

two plans

A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.  Proverbs 16:9

I had a plan
A good plan

A solid plan

A practical plan
An attainable plan

My plan was normal and it was reasonable, I liked my plan it was safe and made sense to me, God’s plan did not, it defied my normal reasoning power of logic challenged my sensibilities and threatened my comfort zone.
We will see more and more that we are chosen not because of our ability, but because of the Lord’s power, which will be demonstrated in our not being able.  Corrie Ten Boom.

It was planted as a tiny seed many years ago, God’s plan that is, and at one time I thought that was the direction I was headed in, the pieces falling into place and I felt the wondrous excitement like watching the first snow fall of the season, the first tulip born in spring or the first warm summer morning spent on my patio in quiet time, I could see the future  dawning through the new season and God’s plan coming full circle, I nurtured the plan and held it like precious cargo in the palm of my hand.
I never did see that plan come to fruition, real life found me instead and that tiny seed was buried under the first snow fall of the season, washed away with the spring rains and burned off under the heat of the summer sun and it looked like nothing more than a fanciful notion of an overactive imagination, clearly I misunderstood, and I started weaving together my solid.practical.attainable plan, I liked my plan, I nurtured my plan and held it like precious cargo in the palm of my hand, I liked my plan better anyway it was reasonable and made sense to me.

It was an ordinary day looking not much different from the ones that preceded it, when the soil of the little pot where that tiny seed was planted many years ago became unsettled and blooms began to push through the black earth that kept that tiny seed covered and protected.
Oh c’mon!!

I have often mused that I have the amazing ability to get lost in my own driveway, and that is exactly where I was, turned around and lost in my own driveway, I was facing south driving north and ended up somewhere in the east. I started to resemble one part Scooby-Doo running in 5 different directions at the same time and one part Deputy Dog in his deep dopey voice “which way do I go, which way do I go.”
I searched the secret chambers, those chambers we keep hidden away and never speak of what lay beyond their dusty doors because they are not practical or reasonable but rather colored in all shades of ridiculous to the human eye. The chamber where I filed away the plan I clearly misunderstood in the filing cabinet of “dreams I thunk up on my own.”

And those who heard it said, “Who then can be saved?’ But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:26-27.
So I stop

Stop and listen for His voice
Stop and listen to the scriptures I am reading

Stop and step back and listen to the words He is speaking around me
I am still seeking, still wondering still questioning, still really not knowing if I heard Him right or if I am just grasping at straws.

So it is one step one tiny little step one day at a time as I feel around for His hand on my shoulder guiding me in the way I should go.
We may not understand God’s plan, but He does.  Seek Him first and trust His answer, even when it is mired in every conceivable color of “that doesn’t make sense.”

“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11
I am linking up with Tracy for Winsome Wednesday.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I don’t want to ever… and an award

Sweet Rewards

The angels stood on alert, looking on intently, quietly, they were warmed up and ready to go and as soon as the Father gave the word they would be earth bound, when a young angel in training with a sweet cherub voice broke the silence.

“We have to do something. Don’t you see where she is headed?” a sense of urgency in his voice for the situation they were witnessing, his feet floating a few inches off the ground ready to take flight before the word was given.
“Not yet” the older and wiser angel replied, stretching one arm across the novice angels chest and the other on his shoulder to bring him back down, “the Father has her well protected, we just have wait our turn.”

The senior angel admired his young charges enthusiasm, he was going to make a good case worker one day but for now he had a lot of learning to do the first being that the humans had to make the choice for themselves and on this day their newest assignment was going to do just that, say yes to God.
I have often mused that God didn’t give me a choice, I was in a pit and no matter hard I tried I couldn't get out I just kept sinking deeper, but I did have a choice the pit or Him, not choices I particularly liked at the time but I did have a choice and I chose Him.

I look at my life sometimes and wonder why God chose this for me, I am not talking about the obvious answer, I know that we are all God’s children chosen by Him and I am certainly not complaining I have been blessed beyond measure, but the deeper question, why ME?  Because it seemed like the neverending storm of Him pursuing me, relentlessly, why? Why me? Why pursue ME the way He did?

I ask that question because before God my life was a series of two steps back but never one step forward trying to get my attention, but I look around this world and there are people who live charmed lives and have absolutely no relationship with God or the one they do have is very limited in perspective, they have no reason to depend on God and they don’t, for their resources are plentiful and the storms are few, so why choose ME? I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but I still stand in amazement at the lengths He went to get my attention.

I am just a regular person from middle America who works a regular job, drives an 11 year old car, and lives in a 1000 square foot house that was built sometime in the 1940’s. I have been in God’s chop shop on more than a few occasions, my inner workings stripped and rebuilt more than once, He has dried up my finances, fired me from jobs, I have mended a few broken hearts, I went through a season where I attended the funerals of six family members in one year and endured an incredibly lonely stint of isolation.

Before Him I was barely limpin along and a life after Him that is wholly dependent and crazy in love with Him, I wonder why He chose me for the storms I have walked through to lead me to this life that is so insanely blessed. 
I don’t ever want to get to that place where my dependency on God is limited or that I think something will never happen to me based on a false sense of security in my own resources.

I don’t ever want to be in that place where Christianity means one hour on Sunday mornings and a laundry list of prayer requests for myself, but never really having that deep connected relationship with Him.
I don’t ever want to get to comfortable that I forget that I am where I am not by anything I did because I worked hard and made the right choices, I am where I am because of God’s favor, because I certainly don’t deserve the life I have been given.

I don’t want to ever get to that place where the resources are plentiful and the storms are few that I stop seeing the power of God work through impossible circumstances to witness a beautiful ending that makes absolutely no sense in this human world.

And now for the awards, sorry it has taken me a while but here they are:

Tracy at My daily walk in His grace awarded me the Liebster blog award, so now it is my turn to pass it on.

Lisa, at A Moment with God, Lisa is a precious gift from God and her blog encourages me every day, God knew what He was doing when He brought Lisa into my life, I always discover new scripture through her writing that speaks so clearly to me, I am so honored to have a sister in Christ like Lisa.

Eileen at The Scenic Route, I met Eileen through a blog carnival hosted by Rachel Olsen from Proverbs 31 about a year ago, Eileen has been the best friend I never met in real life, her posts always make me laugh with her funny anecdotes.
Kendra aka Pinks at Relying on Him, Kendra found me and she is another gift from God, I started reading her blog when she first started writing and I have been following her ever since, her heart transparent and her words becoming more beautiful each time I read them.

Phil from Inspirations from Phather Phil, oh Phil what I can say about you? Inspiring, uplifting, encouraging.  Phil is the brother I never had, and if I had one I would want him to be Phil, his love for his wife and kids is beautiful, I love reading his e-mails to God every day.

Deane at Who is God, Deane’s teaching is practical and straight forward, I still have so much to learn in my walk with God and I always learn something new I can apply to my life from Deane, the comments she leaves for me are always inspiring and encouraging.

I could only choose five, but I wanted to choose so many more, so I encourage you check out the blogs I love list on my sidebar because I love their blogs as well and I blessed to know each and everyone of them.

The End.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

recycled

I tried valiantly, but the words were not flowing, and after several attempts of  forceably trying write a post that was clearly out of the will of God (I think I dozed off a few times while I was proof reading it) I am recycling one of the very posts I ever wrote, it will be a new to many of you because back then no one read my blog. 

Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!

Ok so it is more like Bald Eagles, Cardinals, Blue Jays and Beavers.

“C’mon lets go” my friend yelled standing two feet away in the patio door that leads to my backyard.

“Shhhhh quiet, you are going to scare them away, come take a look at this” I said in little more than a whisper.

Exasperated and growing impatient she steps out onto the patio to take a look. “It is a bird” she says.
“It is not just a bird, look at it, it’s a Cardinal, I think there is a family of them living up there” I said pointing up into the 50 year old maple tree that is still standing tall in my backyard.

“Ok, so it is a Cardinal, I think we learned about those in the first grade, c’mon lets go”.

“If there is any doubt in your mind that God exists, that bird right there is proof that He does”.

“It’s a bird”.

So my friend was completely missing my point, and I am not giving up hope that some day she will see the beauty in what I saw in my backyard that afternoon. Living in Wisconsin we don’t see many Cardinals, our state bird is the Robin, and Cardinals don’t come around for a visit very often, but when they do, it is hard to miss them. I had Cardinals and Blue Jays living in my back yard that summer, looking quite intentional with their color palette of blues and reds so bright that it is unmistakably God who created them, and rather than containing these colors, He created a bird to bestow them upon, to swoop and dart through the air for all the world to see, and they were living in the tree in my backyard, and they stuck around all summer keeping me company.

I saw many miracles that summer, A long neck crane cooling himself in the pond across the street, Cardinals and Blue Jays gliding through the air over head, a beaver slithering its way into the water and a bald eagle perched on a lamp post that had the entire neighborhood out to watch, and when it spread its wings and took flight I don’t see how anyone can deny how great our God is to create such a beautiful and spectacular creature.

Ever wonder where God is in your life? Just look around, He could have created the world to be black and white and we would be none the wiser, but He didn't, instead He chose to bless us with blue skies and rainbows after a storm, green grass and leaves that change color in the fall.  He blessed us with the daisies of the field, and the sweet scent of a rose, He sent His Son, He didn't have to but He did.   

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Guest Posting

I am guest posting at Phather Phil today.  you can read that here. 

When someone askes you write a post for their blog, it can be a bit daunting, you hope they like what you wrote, you hope that you have represented them well, funny enough the post I wrote for Phil is about hope.  When I first started writing it I had no idea what I was going to write about but hope just seemed flow out onto the page. With the season of Christmas upon us, we will be celebrating the birth of Jesus, and the hope of what His birth would mean for the world.  

Thank you Phil.

Blessings

Monday, November 28, 2011

no words

I know that there are people who don’t agree with the way I choose to honor God before others in my everyday life, and I know that there are people who are not going to agree with I have to say in this post, and that is fine, I am ok with that.  In my everyday life I don’t talk about Jesus, I don’t, because I know that someone who is not ready to hear about God is going to shut down the moment His name mentioned.  I accepted Christ four and half years ago, before that, if anyone even mentioned the word God in my presence, I would them to bleep bleep bleep out of my presence, I was at rock bottom back then and I desperately need me some Jesus, but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with Him.  I make no secret that I am a believer, I wear that badge loud and proud, but I don’t talk about it, unless someone asks.

Jesus was a sinless man who loved and obeyed the laws of God, but oh my He loved the sinners, and they loved Him, they flocked to Him, and He never rejected them but treated them with dignity.  Back in the day when Jesus walked this earth as a man in human flesh, if anyone ever needed to find Him all they had to was look in square in the middle of sin and they would find Jesus there, probably having lunch with all the sinners of the town He was in, but even then He never sinned. He never condemned, or judged even the most sinful of people, instead He brought them into His flock, He loved on them, it was in the presence of Jesus where they found peace, and when they found peace in the arms of Jesus, they ultimately began to love God and honor His laws.
In my early days, some of the loudest words ever spoken to me, were no words at all, those who had the greatest impact in my journey with Jesus, are the ones who spoke the least, because when we are filled with whole lotta Jesus the peace flows through us like a river, and unbeliever can’t help but see His light shine through you and they are going to want whatever it is you have.

You don’t have to agree with me, I know some people aren’t going to, I just don’t believe that I need to pull out my  holy slingshot loaded with the gospel and aim square at an unbeliever’s head, I  don’t need to use big words like salvation, redemption, and sanctification, I don’t even know what those words mean, they scare me, so I can imagine what they would do to an unbeliever, we speak loudly when nothing is spoken. 
I was going to post this Sunday night, and I heard the whisper on my heart, wait.  This morning I popped over to a blog that I visit regularly, My Daily Walk in Grace, Tracy talked about random acts of kindness, that is what I am talking about, speaking loudly through no words at all.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Train Station - A Thanksgiving Story

She had to admit the snow was beautiful, falling down quietly around her as she stepped out onto the platform of the train station, pulling her red wool scarf tightly around her neck and matching hat down closer around her ears. Emily Grayson held out a mittened hand and let the fresh white powder collect in her palm. Daylight was giving way to darkness, peacefulness falling down around her in white snowflakes from the nighttime sky.

It was only supposed to be a couple hour train ride to her family’s farm in Vermont, but they were forced to stop midway through the trip, with so much snow collecting on the tracks it was impossible to go any further. They were grounded at a tiny train station in the town of No Where, Unincorporated.

She wished that she were enjoying the scenery of the snowfall at her parent’s home tucked under one of the fluffy blankets her mom kept on hand for such a time as this. She wished she had her hands curled around a hot mug of her mother’s cocoa and breathing in the deep aroma of holiday pies baking in the oven, their sweet scent filling the air, not sitting in a train station in No Where, what kind of name was that for a town anyway? She thought to herself.

The large doors leading inside the station boasted an impressive shade of red, the hardwood floors creaked beneath her feet and the wooden benches stained in deep mahogany reminded her of the church she and her family used to attend when she was a child. Her journal clutched to her chest, her words only audible to God, “Really Father? You had to pick today for the first big snowfall of the season, You couldn’t have waited until tomorrow?”

 Going back inside and taking her place on the bench where she had stowed her overnight bag underneath, she felt the eyes on her, she was only able to look into them for a second, they were deep and dark with nothing but deadness behind them that seemed to go on forever, those eyes would forever be burned into her memory.  He was just a boy maybe eleven or twelve, his legs stretched out before him, his arms angrily folded across his chest, Emily wondered what a boy so young was doing sitting in a train station by himself on Thanksgiving during a snow storm.

10 Years Later

 Summer break was over and classes had been underway for a few weeks, Erica was sitting in the front row of the lecture hall during her college English class her focus on Professor Grayson, certain she was the one, it had to be her.  Erica had been praying for years that she would see her again, the girl from the train station, the only person to ever look at her, really look at her.  The girl was a woman now but Erica would never forgot her.

When class was dismissed Erica slowly walked up the large handsome cherry wood table Ms. Grayson often sat on while teaching her class.  Pulling the burgundy leather Bible with the black satin ribbon dangling from the pages from her book bag she held it out in Emily’s direction.  

“Ms. Grayson, I think this belongs to you.”

Emily took the Bible in her hands, not recognizing it at first but it looked strikingly similar to the one she used to have, but lost many years ago. Opening the front cover Emily immediately recognized the scripture written in her mother’s handwriting, looking at the young girl standing in front of her, Emily was silently searching, pleading for answers.

“I took this from your bag 10 years ago at the train station in No Where, during the snow storm.”

Not recognizing the girl standing before her Emily looked into Erica’s eyes, she remembered those eyes, hauntingly dark, sadness so deep it seemed to run on forever, she never forgot those eyes, they were the same eyes she was looking into now, except the deadness, the loneliness, the fear that she saw in them so long ago was gone and replaced with light, bright dancing light.

It was all coming back to her now, “I do remember” Emily’s voice a whisper and pleading confusion, “but it was a boy not a girl that night.”

"Ms. Grayson" saying it more like a question than a statement, “My father passed away before I was born and my mom never got over losing him so she dulled the pain with alcohol. She had just gone into rehab for the fifth time, I was staying with a foster family and I couldn’t live there with them anymore so I tucked my hair under a hat, put on some of my foster brothers clothes and ran away, I was going to jump in front of that train you were on, but it was snowing so hard and I was late getting there…” her voice trailing off.

“When you got up and walked outside onto the platform I went through your bag looking for money, I was just so hungry, but I pulled out this Bible instead and then you came back inside, I didn’t expect you to come back so soon, and I didn’t have time to put it back so I kept it. I didn’t really want anything to do with God or this Bible but I just kept reading the scripture written on the inside cover.  The next couple of years were rough and it took a long time but eventually I gave my life to Christ, and so did my mom, she has been sober for eight years now.”

Emily stood there silently, stunned not knowing how to respond to everything she just heard. Finally placing a hand on the girl’s shoulder, “I think you should keep it Erica, and pass it along to someone who needs it”, pressing the Bible back into the girl’s hands.

“Thank you Ms. Grayson I will make sure it finds a good home, oh and one more thing”, the excitement in her voice rising. “My mom goes to college here too, we are getting our education together, I would love for you to meet her sometime” late for her next class Erica gave Emily a quick wave as she bounced up the stairs two at a time.

Emily waved back a smile spread across her face.

Erica and her mom Natalie spent Thanksgiving at the Grayson farm that year, and every year after that, on their way passing through the same train station where Emily and Erica first met. A few years later the entire Grayson clan was on hand cheering and clapping as Erica and Natalie Montgomery walked across the stage to collect their diplomas.

The Train Station, No Where, Unincorporated - Present Day

The legend of the Bible is a closely guarded secret among those who know about it. No one knows the mystery of where it comes from and no one ever speaks of it outside the walls of the train station, but every year at Thanksgiving for as long as anyone can remember the Bible shows up on the same bench and every year visitors from Thanksgivings past come from all around to give Thanks, some preferring to stay in the shadows, while others come with picnic baskets in tow filled with turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes to share with old friends and new ones alike.

She walked through the door, very thin her eyes sunk deep into her face, gazing about the room as if she didn’t see anyone, Jane Emerson sunk her whole body into the wooden bench as if she were trying to disappear into it. They watched as tears slipped down her face while the snow outside slipped from the darkened night sky. Jane was replaying the events of that horrible day two months before in her head. It had been raining hard and her husband was late getting home from work. Jane was starting to worry when she heard the car pull up outside, running to the front door and swinging it open, it wasn’t her husband’s car, but a police car, with two policemen walking up to the front porch, rain gear protecting their uniforms, the words swirled around her, foggy, muffled, barely hearing them.

An accident

No survivors

Jane’s husband was gone and she spent the next two months crumpled on the floor, and finally unable to take the pain and loneliness anymore, Jane found herself in the train station in No Where, Unincorporated that Thanksgiving night  like so many others had before her, intent to step off the platform and into the path of a whistling locomotive.

She heard the cheerful laughter coming from the tables decorated with brightly colored table clothes and cornucopia’s that were set up throughout the station, what a dumb place to eat Thanksgiving dinner Jane thought to herself hearing the whistle blow alerting everyone that a train was coming.  Placing both hands on either side of her she pushed herself up off the bench and felt something underneath her hand, wrapping her fingers around it she picked it up and craddled the very well-worn burgundy leather cover and a black satin ribbon dangling from the pages in her hands, Jane opened the front cover and read the scripture handwritten on the inside cover, realizing it wasn’t just a book, it was a Bible.

Gus, a tall man somewhere is his thirties who had visited the train station just the year before after loosing his job, got up from his seat at the table and gently placed a blanket around Jane’s shoulders and a hand on her arm, Miss please come sit down we would love it if you would share this Thanksgiving meal with us, sweeping an arm in a wide circle across the table, with that everyone at the rose from their chairs and surrounded Jane, pulling her to the table and filling her a plate full with turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing, it was the first time Jane remembers eating in months.

One by one the visitors of Thanksgivings past that had been milling around in the shadows wrapped their heavy coats tightly around themselves, heads nodding to each other in acknowledgment and sly smiles exchanged between them knowing the blessing of the exchange they had just witnessed, and quietly they headed towards the door on their way to spend Thanksgiving with their families, remembering when it was them.

Isaiah 40:29-31
He give strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men will stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings on like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

This will be my last post until after the holiday

Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving.

Disclaimer:  This is not a true story, at least not to my knowledge, I totally made it up.