Tuesday, March 6, 2012

in the land of more

“You’re pregnant” those words parting from the lips of the nameless faceless person that lurked in the shadows of my dream.

“You’re pregnant” those words rattling around in my brain having no idea what she was talking about, I wasn’t pregnant.
I stumbled around in the dark places of my dream, places I did not recognize, it was unfamiliar, somewhere I had never been before, my eyes trying to focus in the large dimly lit room scattered with overstuffed fluffy couches and I could feel the presence of the nameless faceless woman, I could hear her speaking but I could not see her, “don’t have an abortion”.

“Abortion, but I’m not pregnant!” breathing in deep to fill my lungs with as much air as I could to shout out the words.
Yes, I know what that sounds like but stick with me, and I have no idea why that word was used.

The next morning my eyes fluttered open to the night sky giving way to the morning light that was bouncing off the snow outside, I was still shaken by my dream, “I really have to stop eating before bedtime” I thought to myself, “it is giving me crazy dreams”.
I shuffled my way down the hall towards my home office and typed a paragraph in the story I am writing that has gone largely ignored for the past few weeks, a story of real testimonies of real people written through fictional characters, and I felt connected.

Like all the other posts I have written in the past I had no idea where this one was going until I started writing it, but as the words flowed onto the page He opened my spiritual eyes. In my dream I wasn’t pregnant with child, I was pregnant with a hope, a dream, a longing, I was pregnant with what I was created to do and  I felt the fire being stoked inside of me, peace filled the air space around me and in that moment I knew I was doing what I was created to do, what I was trying to abort in favor of what was easier, and easy felt good, for a while anyway. I was journeying down the path that was wide, the road often traveled but I was falling away from God in the process, and the thoughts started to creep back in,  the thoughts that so often invaded my life before I met God, the thought that there has got to be more to life than just this.  I was irritable and cranky and I had a major attitude, and in those brief seconds as I watched black ink spill onto white paper my light bulb moment came,  the woman in my dream was not telling me to have an abortion as we think of it, she was telling me to not abort what I was created to do, and I really need to stop eating before bedtime.
I have two lives, lives that often collide and go to war with each other.  My one life where I must go out into the world and earn a paycheck, but also a life where I weave together words to tell a story and it is that life where I feel the most connected to God the life I feel like I don’t enough time for, so that was the life I tried to abandon.

It is not easy balancing my two worlds, my heart longing to write as I sit in morning rush hour traffic, tearing myself away from my computer much too soon in my opinion to get ready for the day ahead that wish I could spend writing and it is not easy, sometimes it is just stinkin hard but it is where I am supposed to be, and my place of more was filled up.  
More is not found in anything of this world but in Jesus and what God created us to do and slowly I am seeing the dots of God working in my life connect, and everything has been starting to make sense, just a tiny bit.
The places inside us that long for more can only be filled by Jesus.