Tuesday, March 6, 2012

in the land of more

“You’re pregnant” those words parting from the lips of the nameless faceless person that lurked in the shadows of my dream.

“You’re pregnant” those words rattling around in my brain having no idea what she was talking about, I wasn’t pregnant.
I stumbled around in the dark places of my dream, places I did not recognize, it was unfamiliar, somewhere I had never been before, my eyes trying to focus in the large dimly lit room scattered with overstuffed fluffy couches and I could feel the presence of the nameless faceless woman, I could hear her speaking but I could not see her, “don’t have an abortion”.

“Abortion, but I’m not pregnant!” breathing in deep to fill my lungs with as much air as I could to shout out the words.
Yes, I know what that sounds like but stick with me, and I have no idea why that word was used.

The next morning my eyes fluttered open to the night sky giving way to the morning light that was bouncing off the snow outside, I was still shaken by my dream, “I really have to stop eating before bedtime” I thought to myself, “it is giving me crazy dreams”.
I shuffled my way down the hall towards my home office and typed a paragraph in the story I am writing that has gone largely ignored for the past few weeks, a story of real testimonies of real people written through fictional characters, and I felt connected.

Like all the other posts I have written in the past I had no idea where this one was going until I started writing it, but as the words flowed onto the page He opened my spiritual eyes. In my dream I wasn’t pregnant with child, I was pregnant with a hope, a dream, a longing, I was pregnant with what I was created to do and  I felt the fire being stoked inside of me, peace filled the air space around me and in that moment I knew I was doing what I was created to do, what I was trying to abort in favor of what was easier, and easy felt good, for a while anyway. I was journeying down the path that was wide, the road often traveled but I was falling away from God in the process, and the thoughts started to creep back in,  the thoughts that so often invaded my life before I met God, the thought that there has got to be more to life than just this.  I was irritable and cranky and I had a major attitude, and in those brief seconds as I watched black ink spill onto white paper my light bulb moment came,  the woman in my dream was not telling me to have an abortion as we think of it, she was telling me to not abort what I was created to do, and I really need to stop eating before bedtime.
I have two lives, lives that often collide and go to war with each other.  My one life where I must go out into the world and earn a paycheck, but also a life where I weave together words to tell a story and it is that life where I feel the most connected to God the life I feel like I don’t enough time for, so that was the life I tried to abandon.

It is not easy balancing my two worlds, my heart longing to write as I sit in morning rush hour traffic, tearing myself away from my computer much too soon in my opinion to get ready for the day ahead that wish I could spend writing and it is not easy, sometimes it is just stinkin hard but it is where I am supposed to be, and my place of more was filled up.  
More is not found in anything of this world but in Jesus and what God created us to do and slowly I am seeing the dots of God working in my life connect, and everything has been starting to make sense, just a tiny bit.
 
The places inside us that long for more can only be filled by Jesus.


13 comments:

  1. Awesome word, thank you so much! That encouragement goes a long way! In Christ -

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  2. Kandi, I LOVE how you write this. I cannot begin to tell you how beautiful it is. Not only is "real" abortion so very wrong, but abortion of the heart, not following what God has placed on you, is also wrong. I want to fully live out His plan for me. Thank you so much for this encouragement!

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  3. Hi Kandi - excellent post. God has definitely blessed you with the talent to write. Don't ever let that get stolen from you. This is great encouragement.
    God bless
    Tracy

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  4. Hi Kandi,
    This is so beautifully written! It is difficult, and evil temptations will get in the way sometimes, but we must always listen to God's voice and never abandon the path He has chosen for us to follow.

    Thanks for this beautiful message!
    Love and blessings to you dear friend!
    Denise

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  5. Beautifully written and I understand the tug between what has to be done and what you long to do.

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  6. Kandi, you are such an awesome writter, never, never let anything or anyone stop you. When we do what the Lord wants us to is when we are the happiest and things just seem to work together.

    It is so good to be reading a post from you, I really miss them.

    Blessings to you and love you.

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  7. Oh, Kandi, that feeling of being torn between our day to day job and our desire to write...it resonates with me. I tend to lose my way if I take my eyes off the reason I have a desire to write in the first place. He's placed that desire in us. And, if I keep my eyes firmly focused on that first the rest follows. It's the trusting that is so hard.

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  8. Amen.. God is our sufficiency. Thank you for your inspiration. Blessings.

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  9. Hi Kandi, I love to read what you write! I know the feeling of being torn. I too have something that i have a great urgency to do but at the same time...bills, food, etc.
    Keep writing, it is a blessing for us all.
    Blessings...Chelle

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  10. Beautiful thoughts Kandi. Love this fact... "The places inside us that long for more can only be filled by Jesus."

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  11. You've been on my heart so I thought I would say hi! Hope you are doing well.

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  12. Hey Kandi, I have been thinking about you. How are you doing? I'd love to say hi properly, my email is teekaytee2@gmail.com
    God bless
    Tracy

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  13. Olá, bom dia. Eu estou fazendo uma campanha para arrecadar fundos para voltar para minha terra. Porque estou com problema de saúde e gostaria de ficar perto da minha família. Desde já agradeço! muito obrigada... E se você puder colaborar clique no link abaixo:https://www.kickante.com.br/campanhas/lupus-fibromialgia-nao-consigo-trabalhar

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