closed for business

I noticed him.

He noticed me, but did he notice me in the way I noticed him? Maybe he was smiling at the person standing behind me. 

I wondered, what was he doing there?

And then there he was was standing before me offering a smile and a quiet hello, wondering was he just being friendly and again wondering, why was he there?

I have heard that how we come into this world is an indicator of how we are going to live our lives. I was late coming from the womb, about 4 weeks late and I probably would have stayed in there a lot longer had the doctors not gone in to get me.  I feel like I have always been four steps behind, like I was running the race of playing catch up in just about everything.  I feel behind the curve, while all my friends have married and many now have college age children I remain single, never married no children and I feel behind the curve. Like I am running, running like one of those garden gnomes, if that is what they are called, you know the ones cut out to look like cute little animals, rabbits, squirrels, cats, dogs, their legs spin frantically in the wind but they never go anywhere, my legs feel like that, they are spinning fast trying to get somewhere but never quite getting anywhere.

I always felt like I wore my singleness like a glaring neon sign around my neck people met and married everyday I didn’t understand what my problem was.  When I look back I now see my singleness was a gift, I wasn’t in any position to get married He had a work to do in me first, a spiritual growth and foundation had to be laid. So I made peace with my singleness and made peace that I may be one of those women that God has called to remain single.

I saw him and kept seeing him, smiles but no words would be exchanged.  Proverbs 4:23 tells us we must guard our heart but I wasn't just guarding my heart, I closed it for business.  I wondered, why was this sleeping giant being rustled from its slumber now, after so many years, why now of all times? There couldn’t be a worse time. Certain it was the enemy cloaking his evil destruction to look like an open door from God, he’s been known to do that.

I waited, 

I told God no, I asked Him why now, have You seen my life?  My circumstances are not really in a position to support this, now is not a good time, I have bigger fish to fry at the moment, if You hadn’t noticed.

Isaiah 55:8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts

Neither are your ways my ways

I waited,

no turned into maybe,

I waited,

maybe turned into yes, if this is Your Will.  

I surrendered it to God and that is when no more smiles came my way, just glimpses, always a few seconds too late, and once again I feel like I am running behind, always four steps behind, I ask, why do You put matters like this before me if this how they are going to turn out, like the countless times before, wondering, was I again too late?

Matters of the heart are delicate, I have gathered up the shattered pieces of a broken one on a few occasions. I don’t rush into them, especially now during this season of my life, my heart isn’t just guarded, it is closed for business, encased in steel, locked up tight with no trap door for escape, it is the last thing on my mind, because now is not a good time.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And he will make your path straight 

Leaning on our own understanding simply isn't strong enough to hold, our understanding is limited in perspective, His ways are not our ways. Maybe now is a good time, but only time will tell.