To Whom It May Concern In The Underworld:
I am writing to you today after my repeated verbal requests, that I am currently not in need of your services, have apparently fallen in deaf ears. Please remove my name, phone number and address from your call list as I am very happy with my current provider Jesus Christ.
While I appreciate your attempts in recent weeks, trying to prove to me that my current provider is unreliable, you have failed to convince me. I know you were behind the broken patio door, broken garage door, broken coffee pot, favorite broken coffee mug, clogged drain resulting in a river on my basement floor, lost drivers license and walking into a door resulting in a goose egg and cut on my forehead while looking for said lost drivers license, expired library card and standing in line for fifteen minutes to renew it only to find out I could not check out my selection of Christian literature because of unknown library fines. I happy to report that after much ado all overdue fees have been paid and said reading material was able to follow me home. I also feel I must thank you for the opportunity to stand in line for an entire morning at the DMV, the owner and CEO of my current provider, Jesus himself kept me company and we enjoyed a very pleasant morning in each others company, and I also met a new Jesus lovin friend, the goose egg has reduced in swelling and my cut is healing quite nicely, thank you for asking.
While I further appreciate your efforts woo my business away from your competitor with your promises of worldly wealth and material goods, I feel I must direct your attention to your proven track record of lies and deceit, your reputation of destruction starting with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden precedes you. May I also point out that at one time you held quite the coveted primo position within the company of my current provider and now your competitor, that is until your selfish pride got the best of you, I wouldn’t exactly advertise that on your flyers and business cards. May I also say that I heard you were really quite beautiful back in the day, what happened? If you don’t mind me making a suggestion perhaps a facial and a little waxing, it only hurts for a moment, but that should be no problem for you, as pain and destruction are your specialty.
In regards to my repeated requests for an instructional manual, apparently the postal service needs some restructuring as I keep hearing the promise that it is in the mail however it never arrives, do you even have an instruction manual? If you don’t mind me saying so my current provider has had the same one for over 2000 years and every promise in it has been kept, it can be found in just about any bookstore and there is no other book in print that has come close to rivaling its best seller status, not to mention that the mere sight of it warms my heart. References of proven customer satisfaction on your behalf have also become a little sketchy, apparently those customers have become unavoidably detained, which makes me wonder what they have been unavoidably detained doing.
You have taken enough of my time today and in recent weeks, it is a little chilly on the outdoors today, however, the sun is shining and I plan to take a spin through the woods and get my praise on. If you insist on following me you will only be hurting yourself as I have been told by many that my singing can wake the bears from hibernation, however since it fills my heart with gladness and joy and I am told that it is music to my Fathers ears I am plan to do it loud, proud and for a very long time. So I ask that you pack your truck with your baggage of lies and deceit, put this girl in your rearview mirror and drive away, I will not be moved and you are not welcome here. It is In Him I serve.
A Daughter of the King
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.