For as long as I can remember I have always had issues with my weight, and although I have accepted that I will never be a super thin girl, I cannot accept that I am carrying around an extra twenty pounds that I did not have three years ago. I hit my breaking point a little over a month ago when the weather started to get cooler and I had to put the shorts and Capri pants away and break out the jeans, that did not fit, I had to dig through my rummage sale pile for the jeans I wore when I was at my heaviest. Twenty pounds may not seem like a big deal, I can work on it over the winter and have it off by spring, but to me it is more than that.
Four years ago is when I accepted Christ as my savior and while God was changing me on the inside there was also a change happening on the outside. I dropped twenty pounds, cut my long hair into a short bob and went from blonde to brunette. To me the changes on the outside were a reflection of what was happening on the inside, it was the birth of a new me, I stopped hiding behind my hair and baggy clothes, for me gaining that weight back is in a way back sliding. So a little more than a month ago when I realized how much weight I had gained I put my nose to the grind stone and was determined to get it off. I counted calories, measured out my food and increased the exercise. I knew every calorie that went in my mouth and every calorie I burned off. From a numbers stand point I should have lost about 4 or 5 pounds by now so imagine my horror as I was getting dressed for Church this morning and I couldn’t get my jeans buttoned, these are the same jeans I dug out from my rummage sale pile, how could that be, how in the world did I gain weight?
That seems to the theme of my life these days, I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I don’t what else it is I am supposed to be doing, I am not going forward and I am struggling with all my might to not go backward, yet I seem to be on this mud slide that is taking me down fast, and I cannot find my footing. I wonder if God really does have a plan for me, I question if he has washed his hands of me and left me on my own to figure out this next season, have I been disobedient and not realized it? I keep praying my prayers of confusion not knowing where to go or what to do next. This afternoon I took a stroll through the woods that are behind the pond that I frequent, the place where I feel the presence of God more than anywhere else, Revelation by Third Day was on my ipod, and as I shuffled my way along the trails with the leaves crunching beneath my feet I knew God was with me. I still don’t know what is waiting for me around the corner or where he plans to put me, but this afternoon was a reminder of how great our God is that he is in such small stuff as making sure the song I needed to hear at the moment I needed to hear it was on my ipod when I clicked the play button.