the weaver and the potter

My fingers longed to glide across the keyboard, my heart overflowing with words that were desperately begging to be put on paper, but the words seemed to have sufficiently oozed from my brain by the time I got home from work, my head an empty abyss, void of the words that were ripping through it just a few hours earlier.  I longed to write, I ached to write, my greatest fear when I started my new job had come to pass, I worried about when I would find the time to write and time is now in short supply, when was I going to have time to write?

I feel empty, like a piece of me is missing when I don’t write.

It felt as if the world had punctured a hole in the little bubble I had created for myself and started to fill the air space around me, suffocating me, leaving my head spinning like a snow globe that had been shaken a little too hard, what is the meaning of all this, what was the point of everything if this was how it was going to end? It felt as if the carpet had been picked up and all my dreams were swept underneath it, crushed under the weight of the woven threads that lay heavily on top, this is not just about not having the time to write, but also about giving up the dream of starting over, a career change, going to school and becoming a teacher, I have to quit school, for now at least, I can start again next semester… maybe.

I am grateful for the job and I desperately needed it and I like going to work, and I work with absolutely lovely people, and even though this not where I see myself in the long term I still go in to work every day and work as if Jesus is my boss, but this isn’t what I had in mind, and although we were not given a spirit of fear I am afraid…

I sat on the bench of the river that flows in front of the office building where I work, I had a few minutes before I had to go inside and I spent those few minutes talking to God. 

Heavenly Father, I am so afraid, and I am tired of being afraid, I don’t understand what this is all about, is this how it is going to end?  Is it over?

Afraid that if this job doesn’t work out, I don’t where I will go next

Afraid of not knowing what is up ahead or where I am going, and I am left wondering if I am even going anywhere. 

I must admit I had thoughts of taking this blog down, wondering if this was God telling me my season of writing was done, it was time to quit.

I am jumbled mess of confusion these days, the view before me is hazy and foggy I am not sure what direction I am going in, I am not even sure if I should be writing anymore, when I didn’t think it could get any harder, it has and I have no idea what God is up to.  My faith that I thought was rock solid and unshakable is being stretched to the point of barely being able to hold me.

I was putting my faith in the wrong things, I thought if I had a job I would feel more stable, but I don't, I thought if I had someone to share in this burden with me I would somehow feel more secure but I don't have that person, I thought I had surrendered and given up control, but I didn't not completely, I thought a lot of things that were wrong, because jobs end, people change their minds and leave, things happen in this lilfe that are beyond our control, there is only One that never changes, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, Jesus.

My hope has to be in Jesus,

My trust has to be in Jesus,

My faith has to be in Jesus,

I have to put my life in the hands of Jesus, let Him be the weaver and potter of my life, Jesus is the only way, because I don't want to be afraid anymore.