Wednesday, July 6, 2011

little miss independence

I started delivering newspapers when I was 11 years old, and I have been working and earning my own money ever since, I have always taken a certain amount of pride in this little factoid.  I fancied myself as an independent type gal who worked and earned her own money.  I looked on for years as my mother suffered her way through the abuse from my father, and as a stay at home mom raising two young daughters my mother was completely dependent on my father, she had nowhere to go, so she stayed and I learned at a very early age to never become dependent on man for anything. Not the food I put on my table, the shelter over my head, the clothes on my back or anything of the like and for the last 22 years I have been doing this solo gig I have gotten pretty good at it.  I have always supported myself, I was doing life on my terms and depended on no one and therefore no one controlled me, I could leave whenever I wanted, and I did it often.  In and of itself having a little independence is not a bad thing, but when you take it to the extreme that I did, you start to walk on soft ground.

So when I started writing this blog I had a very clear vision of what direction I wanted it to go in, blogging about navigating this life as a single person under my skewed set of assumptions, it didn’t work out that way, because while I knew plenty about being and staying single, I knew absolutely nothing about being single in a healthy functional relationship.   Don’t get me wrong I love my single status, I really do, but enjoying my life only began a few years ago, before that I was working overtime in self-preservation mode and I was exhausted, and I didn’t even know how exhausted I was until I wasn’t anymore. 
So when I entered this season I asked the why questions so many times, Father why would you allow this to happen,  I am single girl, I am my only means of support why would take that away from me?

Do you see it?

Little miss independence is learning how to be dependent, dependent on a God that I cannot physically see or touch, a God whose presence I can’t always feel, I am learning to be independent of my own self and what I think I can provide for me.  My pride has been beaten down, my weaknesses exposed, and my strength dissolved, I am weak in and of myself,  everything  I have is from the Father and not by anything I can or ever will be able to do on my own, and let me tell you something, it hurts a bit.
My greatest fear, my greatest uncomfortable place is to need and accept help from other people, I can do it myself thank you very much.   So what does God do?  He rains down His help through other people, one way or another or He is going to break this girl’s fiery independent streak.


  1. Kandi, I DO see it! And boy can I relate. I don't have the history that you have, but I still do not like to depend on anyone for anything. I can do it myself. But God is putting me in situations where I cannot do it and have to depend on Him. And I'm learning that it's the best place to be. :) Many blessings!

  2. Hi Kandi. Letting go and letting God is tough but when we do it (and sometimes we only do it when there seems to be no other way) God turns up and surprises us. Praying for you on your journey to dependence.
    God bless

  3. Oh Kandi, do I know that feeling...

    For many years as a young adult, I struggled along under the illusion that I was in control, that I could handle anything that came my way, and that I didn't need anyone or anything to help.

    Then, my world crashed around me and I found myself lacking.

    In many ways, I look back on that moment as the beginning of my life. God took that brokenness and used it to show me what control was, and how in my weakness I could lean on His strength. Dependency is bandied around as a bad term in society today, but when we relish our dependency on the Father, it becomes an amazing Blessing.

    Have a Blessed Day!

  4. Kandi, this is such a great post. The big thing is "be independent!" Especially for women. We think independence shows greatness. We can do it on our own, yay! But I want to be dependent. I need to be dependent. Dependent on God.

  5. It's a hard lesson many of us have to learn that dependence on God is not weakness. In fact, when we do discover just how much we need Him, we find unbelievable strength. Thank you so much for sharing this, Kandi.