Tuesday, September 21, 2010

brought to you today by the number 40, a Bible, and some coffee and banana bread

Today is my 40th birthday, it has finally arrived, and I say that because when I was 39 I would never tell people I was 39, I would always say I am going to be 40 this year, and as my birthday got closer I would tell people I am going to be 40 in few months, or soon to be 40. 

Last week I went shopping with my mother to pick out my birthday present, a brand new Bible and she even got me a nifty little case to carry it in, and then surprised me with
Tenth Avenue North
concert tickets, and all I wanted was a new Bible. I had been needing one for a long time now, my old one has a paper cover and the edges are frayed, it has some coffee stains on it, a few bite marks in it when I would leave it to close to the edge of the table and the dog would snatch it, she is tall enough to reach the tops of tables so I can’t leave anything to close to the edge. She ate my dinner one time when I left it unattended on the dining room table while I was in the kitchen getting a glass of milk to wash it down with that was a hard lesson learned.  Anyway, my new Bible has a leather cover and a case to keep it safely tucked away in.

I was thinking about that day and the events of the months before that. I am not just my mother’s daughter but I am also a daughter of the King, who likes to surprise His children just like our earthly parents do.  I went into the bookstore that day with the small dream of a Bible and my mother surprised me with goody bag of treasures, and just a few months before, my Father surprised me with the treasure of a new friend.  I am forty years old today, never married and I have no children, except Whitney the dog, who in my opinion is the work of 10 children.  I am totally at peace with my singleness and it really hasn’t stopped me from doing what I want to do, but on the other side of that coin I wonder what God is waiting for.  I thought today would be a good day to talk a little bit about my singleness.

It wasn’t until the day that I was sitting at my new friend’s dining room table, drinking coffee, eating banana bread, telling her about some things that had happened to me in the past, that the words were said out loud, and hearing the words made it totally real, “could that be the reason why God is keeping you single?”, of course it is, deep in my heart I knew it, but as long I as I never heard it said out loud I didn’t have to face it, I could gloss over it, keep it stuffed inside and never let it rear its ugly head. 

The rest is something I wrote in my diary a long time ago, and even though there is this thing that has to be dealt with, God will deal with me about it when the time is right, and I still feel the way I do about my singleness in what I wrote so long ago.  I hope it helps someone else who is single and not liking it to put things in perspective.

It Is All A Matter of Perspective

“Embracing where you are and what you do with it is a matter of perspective, you are either going to spend it focusing on what you don’t have, which by the way I did a lot, or focusing in what you do have, I had to get it out of my head that I was alone and when I did that it was as if the heavens opened up and the angels started to sing.  

Holidays are especially hard on single people, there is no one to exchange Christmas gifts with, no one to kiss at midnight on New Years eve, no one to cuddle with under a blanket while watching the fireworks, even I don’t always enjoy being the only single person in a circle of couples distracting myself with watching the fly on the wall, pretending it fills empty space next to me that I so wish was occupied by someone that wants to hold my hand or put their arm around me, but holidays only make up a small portion of the 365 days that we get, so rather than wallowing in that yet again I am spending Christmas alone, I make the decision to not take off my pajamas all day, not do hair or makeup, I spread out the leftovers of the Christmas Eve feast with my family from the night before and settle in for day of back to back Christmas movies and a boat load of uninterrupted napping.  

I wasted so much time being miserable and unhappy over what I didn’t have I feel as if I am making up for lost time and embracing what I do have, chasing it like a lion after its prey, I can’t believe that after twenty years of being alone I am just now realizing this.  God has given me the precious gift of time, time to find out who I am, what makes me, me and I have chosen to embrace it for as long I have it and I will let God decide when it is time for me not to be single anymore, and let Him write that chapter, because his timing is always perfect.  I am able to receive God’s will for my life freely and without complication, I found some talents I never knew I had and my life has gone down a path that is so much better that I ever imagined. I now understand the meaning of the phrase “the peace that passes all understanding”.

My life is hardly a walk through a daisy field on a warm summer day by any stretch of the imagination I have struggles just like everyone else.  I found myself in the unemployment line a few times more than I would have liked to be and I had no husband at home with a paycheck to fall back on, no husband to unclog the drain or take my car to the mechanic, when I am sick I can’t just yell out “ hey honey can you go to the store and get me some medicine” at times it becomes all too consuming sitting down exasperated, asking God if it was really necessary for it to snow again that day, I was cold and tired and I all I wanted to do was take a hot shower and tuck myself under a blanket, I didn’t really want to spend 20 minutes getting dressed in preparation of shoveling 3 feet of heavy wet snow.  But everything always seemed to work out, The bills got paid on a mere $200.00 a week in unemployment, I didn’t die because I had to shovel snow, after hours of laboring I finally managed to unclog the drain, and even though I didn’t have any medicine the deadly virus that I was convinced was coursing through my veins turned out to be a nasty head cold that eventually cleared up.

I am still a baby Christian, I don’t feel firmly planted in my walk with God and if He gave me what I wanted I would loose focus on my relationship with Him. A relationship I have come to cherish with every pore of my being.  I have given my life to building my relationship with Him, focusing on His word, getting to know Him, wanting to obey Him and I am square in the position to do  that, free from the distractions of the world that often and almost unnoticeably overtake our lives.  God doesn’t have to share me with anyone or anything He has me all to Himself, to teach me to guide me to shape and mold me into anything He wants me to be, I wholeheartedly embrace it, at this moment there isn’t a single thing I would change about my life, I don’t feel like I am missing anything.  I have heard from so many people how they don’t want to spend Sunday nights alone, I never spend a Sunday night alone or any other night for that matter, I am spending it with my Father, in my tiny enclave of a home office, sipping tea, snug in my jammies and the dog snoring at my feet typing feverishly to get my thoughts on paper before they exit my head as fast as they entered it, not having to share my time with anyone but Him and I can’t think of anything more divine than that.”


2 Peter 1:5-8
Make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Today we have the musical talents of Michael W. Smith, A New Hallelujah.  It has nothing to do with what I wrote, but I love the song, and imagine myself standing in the choir singing it at the top of my lungs.


  1. Kandi -
    Thank you for this post. I am a divorced mother of 4 and even though I am not looking for a relationship, its good to hear about how even though we don't have a relationship in our lives, we are still very complete. I have a friend who is 35 and never married. She just came to my desk broken hearted because they man she dated for 4 WEEKS broke up with her. She thought he was the one. I am going to send this blog to her if that is ok? This is amazing!! Thank you so much and God Bless you~

  2. I see God is using you already...awesome!! By the way, it is now apple crisp season!

  3. Happy 40th!

    This was a terrific post. I loved this line: "I wasted so much time being miserable and unhappy over what I didn’t have I feel as if I am making up for lost time and embracing what I do have, chasing it like a lion after its prey ..." Go girl!

    I also love that you wanted a new Bible for your 40th. Which one did you choose?