Monday, August 22, 2011

the weaver and the potter

My fingers longed to glide across the keyboard, my heart overflowing with words that were desperately begging to be put on paper, but the words seemed to have sufficiently oozed from my brain by the time I got home from work, my head an empty abyss, void of the words that were ripping through it just a few hours earlier.  I longed to write, I ached to write, my greatest fear when I started my new job had come to pass, I worried about when I would find the time to write and time is now in short supply, when was I going to have time to write?

I feel empty, like a piece of me is missing when I don’t write.
It felt as if the world had punctured a hole in the little bubble I had created for myself and started to fill the air space around me, suffocating me, leaving my head spinning like a snow globe that had been shaken a little too hard, what is the meaning of all this, what was the point of everything if this was how it was going to end? It felt as if the carpet had been picked up and all my dreams were swept underneath it, crushed under the weight of the woven threads that lay heavily on top, this is not just about not having the time to write, but also about giving up the dream of starting over, a career change, going to school and becoming a teacher, I have to quit school, for now at least, I can start again next semester… maybe.

I am grateful for the job and I desperately needed it and I like going to work, and I work with absolutely lovely people, and even though this not where I see myself in the long term I still go in to work every day and work as if Jesus is my boss, but this isn’t what I had in mind, and although we were not given a spirit of fear I am afraid…
I sat on the bench of the river that flows in front of the office building where I work, I had a few minutes before I had to go inside and I spent those few minutes talking to God. 

Heavenly Father, I am so afraid, and I am tired of being afraid, I don’t understand what this is all about, is this how it is going to end?  Is it over?
Afraid that if this job doesn’t work out, I don’t where I will go next

Afraid of not knowing what is up ahead or where I am going, and I am left wondering if I am even going anywhere. 
I must admit I had thoughts of taking this blog down, wondering if this was God telling me my season of writing was done, it was time to quit.

I am jumbled mess of confusion these days, the view before me is hazy and foggy I am not sure what direction I am going in, I am not even sure if I should be writing anymore, when I didn’t think it could get any harder, it has and I have no idea what God is up to.  My faith that I thought was rock solid and unshakable is being stretched to the point of barely being able to hold me.

I was putting my faith in the wrong things, I thought if I had a job I would feel more stable, but I don't, I thought if I had someone to share in this burden with me I would somehow feel more secure but I don't have that person, I thought I had surrendered and given up control, but I didn't not completely, I thought a lot of things that were wrong, because jobs end, people change their minds and leave, things happen in this lilfe that are beyond our control, there is only One that never changes, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, Jesus.

My hope has to be in Jesus,

My trust has to be in Jesus,

My faith has to be in Jesus,

I have to put my life in the hands of Jesus, let Him be the weaver and potter of my life, Jesus is the only way, because I don't want to be afraid anymore.



  1. First off, so glad you didn't take your blog down. I love reading your heart. :)

    So true that our hope, trust and faith have to be in Jesus. When we take our life out of His hands and our focus off Him, we will fall. This is a great encouragement.

  2. Kandi, again you share beautifully, honestly from your heart. Your words are ministering to people; they have purpose. I'm glad you are still writing, even if it's not as often as you would like. I can see that God is still doing a work in your life. Don't ever lose focus of Him!

  3. Kandi, the question to ask you enjoy writing? If you do, then you SHOULD write! I know that feeling of not having as much time to write. I would love to quit my job and just write all the time. I just finished the book Quitter my Jon Acuff and he addresses that tension we feel of having to work at a job that might not be where we want to be and still have time to follow our passion. I recommend it!

  4. Thinking of you. Trying to comment, but Satan is really working through the glichyness. I needed these words. Thank you for not taking your blog down. <3

  5. Hi Kandy - I think God is using you in your writing. I'll pray for you for God to give you a clear vision of what He wants for you.
    God bless precious friend

  6. Oh, Kandi I'm having the very same feelings right now. Suddenly I'm homeschooling all 3 of my kids and I'm wondering if it will all work. And, I know that that was my first calling... ahead of and before writing. But, writing is often how I hear from Him the most! I don't have an answer yet... I will just pray. I so related to your first paragraph... the words tossing around and forming perfectly in my head only to be lost completely as soon as I am able to sit and write! I'm so glad you're still here... love reading your heart :)

  7. Thank you all for your sweet comments, so often when I start writing I have all these questions knocking on the door of my brain and then my questions get answered simply through writing or reading the comments, yes I enjoy writing I am just trying to figure out how I am going to balanace it all.

  8. Kandi... What a beautiful, heartfelt post.

    Your writing has purpose, and life, and reason, and I've very glad you haven't taken down the site. With each season that God gives us, we shift our focus as needed to best serve His call. While you may not have as much time to write as you had previously, that process of communion still works inside you until you have opportunity to release it. You're not choosing one over the other, simply adjusting as life flows along it's path.

    Your words minister not only to your spirit, but to others (mine included) as well. :-)

    Have a Blessed Day!

  9. Kandi,
    Your postings are always deep from the heart and a blessing to read; keep writing! :) I often find myself without enough time to balance everything on my to- do list, and I have learned that it is so important to fully experience and feel every single activity I am doing, otherwise it leaves me with a sense that my day was unfulfilled and lacking purpose. When I finally stop and reach out to God, He reminds me that it's not the amount of time we have, but what we are doing with our time. :)

    Although you may not be able to write as much as you would like, every single time you do, it has a purpose and a meaning and it is well worth the wait!


  10. What a beautifully honest and transparent post. Only God can shine the Light we desperately need. His Word is a lamp to our feet (where He has us right now) and a light to our path (where He wants us to go). Hang on, our Faithful Guide will not disappoint.

  11. Hey there girlfriend,
    Right now I'm thinking of Abraham. 25 years passed between the promise of a son and the baby. God's timetable is not ours, but keep listening to His still small voice, honor Him in each choice, and He will continue to direct your steps. Lova ya!

  12. This is a great post. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart. I love reading vulnerable articles. I guess because you can so clearly see a person's faith formation. Faith that comes from believing not knowing. Keep clinging on to God like he was the last life vest on a sinking ship. He will always perform a miracle when you do!:)