finish it

Battered thoughts, thoughts of discouragement and thoughts of hopelessness, we feel depleted and defeated, and it seems as if God has fallen silent He feels distant and we feel like we are falling away, backsliding in our faith.

The voices taunts us they tell us that this is all there is and there is no more because God is holding out on us.  The voices remind us of the sin we spoke yesterday and the sin we committed 10 years ago and they remind us that we are unworthy because we are not perfect.

Philippians 3:12-13
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

As believers we know times like these will come, they are pretty much unavoidable, and the first time it happens the voices overwhelm us and the questions begin to rattle through our brains. 

Are we really saved?

Is God really for real?

Where is He?

What does God want from me?

Poppa don’t you love me anymore?

The voices and thoughts sneak up on us and shout at us  and we are defenseless to defeat them in our own strength.  

Whenever we take a step towards Jesus, the enemy will take a step in front of us to block our way.  The voices and thoughts will come but it up to us whether we let them stay.  We have a protector and a defender and His name is Jesus and if we reach our hand out for Him He will reach back, and the enemy flees because he can’t stay anywhere where the name of Jesus is spoken, he can’t stay anywhere where Jesus is worshipped.

Back in November I wrote this post, and after I put the last period on the last sentence I knew it wasn’t over I knew there was a deeper story hidden in between the lines wanting to be let out, and I say that with confidence because I had very little to do with writing that post, it pretty much wrote itself, and I thought someone should really finish writing the story.

You, came the words pressed upon my heart, I want YOU to finish writing it.

cricket cricket cricket

aaaand more crickets

Finish writing it.  The words were not shouting but rather whispering just simple quiet words pressed gently into my heart.

Finish writing the story

Oh c’mooon!!

Writer was never on my short list of career options, and writing a piece of fiction was NEVER in my thought process of possibilities.

Real writers are people… who well …..actually write

Writers are people who do what the experts say to do to become authentically real writers, and I am none of those things.

I have never been to a writer’s conference and I am not feeling the nudge to go anytime soon

I am not social media savvy.  I deactivated my facebook account several months ago and have no desire to reactivate it anytime soon.

I have never been on Twitter and don’t plan to anytime soon.

I have a handful of followers and my blog posts do not garner comments high in the double digit numbers.

I have no subscribers.

I did not buy my domain name but rather use blogger because it is free.

There are people who actually want to do that sort of thing…I am not one of them.

There are blogs way more popular than mine, they have hundreds of followers and their posts command an equal number of comments they are the logical choice to write the story, not me.

Philippians 2:13 tells us that it is for God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 

I stepped back from writing this blog to give myself more time to finish writing the story, but I didn't do it quietly but rather I went kicking and screaming, but the morning I said yes to God I was sitting in my car during rush hour traffic and the sky lit up with crosses written in the clouds… and the smoke from the airplane fuel and I felt peace wash over me and I knew that is what I supposed to do.

And then the condemning voices came.  I would sit in front of a blank computer screen becoming best buddies with a little button called delete, I listened to the voices laughing me, ridiculing me, telling me I was kidding myself, the voices of defeat and discouragement, telling me I am inadequate, not worthy, not good enough, reminding me of everything I am not.

When the enemy is bothering us it means we are bothering him, we are corrupting his effectiveness, because if we weren’t he would not be so intent on trying to take us down.

Matthew 7:7-8

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks and the door will be opened.

Day after day I would sit at my desk with my head cupped in my hands wondering what in the world I got myself into, did I make a mistake?  Did I hear Him wrong?  Repeating the same prayer over and over.

Dear Heavenly Father, please guide my thoughts and put the words on my heart that you want me to write, I can’t do this without You Father, I just can't.

When I wrote the post Heart Song, I had no idea that I was writing it as much for myself as I was for anyone who has a song inside of them knocking them around struggling and fighting to get out but instead letting the voices keep their song locked away inside.

The tugging came a quiet gentle familiar tug of the voice of my Heavenly Father.

Write the story for Me. 

I finally got the first 1,000 words on the page without deleting them and I felt peace that the words I had written were the words I was supposed to write.

So I am writing the story with no expectations, I am writing it for the pure joy and peace I feel when I write, I am writing it for the audience of my heavenly Father because He told me too, and the voices don’t carry weight anymore.  I don’t have to care if anyone will ever read it or even like it, I don’t have to worry about what I am going to do with it or what will become of it, I am doing it on the Father’s instructions, for the pleasure of Him, to honor and glorify Him and all that He has done in my life.

1 Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many so that they may be saved.

What are the voices discouraging you from finishing? from starting? from doing?

Proverbs 3:6

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.

ch ch changes

I have never done that pick a word for the year thingy, I just never felt moved to do it, this year for 2012 I picked a word

DEEPER

It just seemed to fit,  2011 was not my best year ever, it was the year of trials, my life crumbling down around me so fast and so furious at times that I thought it was the second coming of Job.  

As believers we know that every season has a beginning and an end and when I emerged from the fiery furnace of that trial a deeper more committed and connected relationship with my Heavenly Father followed and Deeper just seemed to be the right word for 2012, and then I found myself adding the word soar in front of it and there it was my words for 2012.

SOAR DEEPER

A new word for a new year and new changes upon me, a nudge to lay this blog down for a while and pick up writing projects that have been long sitting dormant on my computer, nudges to sow into new relationships that have been divinely brought into my life, nudges to soar deeper into my relationship with Jesus.

I still fully intend to visit my sweet bloggy friend’s blogs and  I reserve the right to still write blog posts from time to time it just won’t be as often while I explore this new journey that I feel is being laid before me.

Blessings.

Heart Song

Will you play your song My child the one that is on your heart?

Will you play your song My child and let it rise?

Will you play your song My child and let it out?

Will you play your song My child and will you play it for Me?

I know your heart My child and what burdens it so

I know your heart My child and the dreams you don’t dare dream

I know your heart My child and what you keep so tightly locked away

I know your fears My child of letting it out

I know your disappointments My child and those things that have shattered you so

I know My child your heart broken and born from such wounds

I know My child because in My own hands I kept it near and I swaddled it close

But I know My child the song that strums so softly on your heart, I know My precious child because I am the gardener who planted it there

I look at you My child with such beauty to share, I know this My child because I created you Myself

I know My child the beauty that awaits I know this My child because I planned Myself

I know My child all those things that happened to you

I know My child you don’t understand, just know that I walked beside you and held your hand

I know your heart My child, and the song that sings inside of it

I know My child every word to the music that beats against your flesh and bone

I know My child because I wrote it Myself

But I know My child you are not yet ready stand and play your song for the world

So My child will you take My hand and play your song?

Will you play your song the one that is on your heart?

Will you play your song and let it rise?

Will you play your song and let it out?

Will you play your song My child and play it for Me?

Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Linking with Tracy for Winsome Wednesday

small stones

“Ever wonder where you’d end up if you took your dog for a walk and never once pulled back on the leash?” Robert Brault

Be strong in the Lord

And never give up hope

You’re gonna do great things I already know Gods got His hand on you

So don’t live in fear

 

He’ll break open the skies

For those who cry out His name

But wait everything can change in a moments time

The words to those songs blaring from my stereo speakers

“Is anyone even working at the radio station or did they just put those two songs on repeat and leave for Christmas break? That is all I have been hearing lately.”

I grumbled through clenched teeth as I flipped the off switch, feeling out of breath like I just finished running the Boston Marathon.

I have been feeling anxious and jittery for days, not in a worried sort of way but rather in an out of sorts sort of way, pacing the floors and wearing a trench between the kitchen and the living room. My Bible becoming a permanent fixture in my palms flipping through it looking for something… anything that will tell me where to put these feelings I am having.

The tissue like pages almost turning themselves and settling in on 2 Corinthians, the words boldly dancing before my eyes as if they are the only ones written on the page.

2 Corinthians 4:16-19

Seeing the Invisible

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

We humans are spectacular at getting in our own way.  We see our outward man perishing through the ordinary everydayness, nothing is moving nothing is changing it is just another day when we so desperately don’t want it to be just another ordinary day we want Him to break open the skies for us we want to do great things, so we talk ourselves a blue streak until we have finally sold ourselves on the idea that God waiting for us to move, convinced that He needs our “help”.

So very rarely does His timing match with ours, so often we think we are more ready than what we actually are. 

We begin the journey of our own making, our legs moving faster beneath us with every step we take until we are full steam ahead down the road that we think is going to carry us closer to our destination kicking aside those small stones that we think will cause us to stumble and fall.

It is not about our destination but the small stones we find along the side of road on our way there

Those small stones that are seemingly getting in our way but are renewing our inward man day by day, glory to glory, even when it looks as if our outward man is perishing.

The small stones of what looks to be the ordinary is where our story is being written, the voice of the gift that God has chosen to give us is being matured, our faith strengthened.

We don’t know everything, even when we think we do

Sometimes we are called to be teachers, but more often we are students, students of the Word and students in God’s classroom, our inward man constantly being renewed through the journeys we are put upon headed towards destinations that were written into the plan for our lives long before we were born.

And In the midst of the regular, when everything looks the same as it always has when it looks like nothing is going to change does He then hold out  His hand for us and tell us to get up, it is time to go.

In a moment’s time He breaks open the skies.

And when we look back on our journey we discover that those small stones that we tried to kick out of our way were not indeed stumbling blocks but rather essential to our destination, preparation for what was up ahead and the gifts we were going need when we got there.

A New Year is upon us a fresh start, instead of arm wrestling with God for the control rather let Him lead you around the dance floor you never know where you will end up.

A Savior is Born

I am reading Grace for the Moment Morning and Evening Journal by Max Lucado, this excerpt from the book is my favorite, it describes it so beautifully... so beautifully.

She brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped
Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger.
Luke 2:7, NKJV

Christ grew in Mary until he had to come out. Christ will grow in you until the same occurs. He will come out in your speech, in your actions, in your decisions. Every place you live will be a Bethlehem, and every day you live will be a Christmas. You, like Mary, will deliver Christ into the world.

“Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27 NIV).

Grace for the Moment Morning and Evening Journal By Max Lucado

Merry Christmas

payback is a dish best served coaled

Dear Nephew,

I have loved you since you were just a tiny peanut in your mother’s tummy

I loved you when you were lying in an incubator in the hospital weighing in at just a few pounds holding back the tears as I saw so many tubes and wires hooked up to your tiny little body not knowing if I would ever see you grow up. 

But God had you in the palm of His hand and I have been truly blessed to watch you grow into a fine young man, blessed indeed.

I look back on these precious 13 years we have spent together…

The time you feed me a piece of juicy fruit gum laced with chili powder

The endless mac and cheese and chicken nuggets I ate with you, I have never been able to look at those food groups quite the same again

The bouquet of stickiness you got stuck in my hair that had to be CUT OUT

The time you thought it was a good idea to lead me on a bike ride through a construction zone, the marks of that little field trip forever tatooed on my body.

The entire weekends I spent putting back together what you thought was a good idea to take apart

I still can’t get the door on my cabinet to shut properly

Our fifth spin on the tilt-a-whirl at the fair, I am not even gonna go there, but we both know what happened… I told you so

The time you programmed my cell phone… to GERMAN

When you drove my car into a pole, okay so that was my fault I should have waited until you were five to teach you how to drive

But I have to say you truly outdid yourself this last time, you got Auntie good hiding Bailey the Basset Hound’s toy mouse under my end table, and it is with much love that I give you this gift of coal for Christmas this year. I hope you understand it was all I could afford.  I had to spend the money I saved for your Christmas present on my visit to the emergency room after I ran into a wall and thought I broke my nose scrambling from the beady eyes that glared menacingly at me from underneath my table …thinking they were real.

A precious 13 years indeed.

Merry Christmas sweetheart I love you very much,
Love, Auntie Kandi

Ps. Payback is a dish best served coaled

(I did get my nephew a real Christmas gift, but I think I am going to let him sweat it out a bit thinking all he getting from me is a chunk of coal)

two plans

A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.  Proverbs 16:9

I had a plan

A good plan

A solid plan

A practical plan

An attainable plan

My plan was normal and it was reasonable, I liked my plan it was safe and made sense to me, God’s plan did not, it defied my normal reasoning power of logic challenged my sensibilities and threatened my comfort zone.

We will see more and more that we are chosen not because of our ability, but because of the Lord’s power, which will be demonstrated in our not being able.  Corrie Ten Boom.

It was planted as a tiny seed many years ago, God’s plan that is, and at one time I thought that was the direction I was headed in, the pieces falling into place and I felt the wondrous excitement like watching the first snow fall of the season, the first tulip born in spring or the first warm summer morning spent on my patio in quiet time, I could see the future  dawning through the new season and God’s plan coming full circle, I nurtured the plan and held it like precious cargo in the palm of my hand.

I never did see that plan come to fruition, real life found me instead and that tiny seed was buried under the first snow fall of the season, washed away with the spring rains and burned off under the heat of the summer sun and it looked like nothing more than a fanciful notion of an overactive imagination, clearly I misunderstood, and I started weaving together my solid.practical.attainable plan, I liked my plan, I nurtured my plan and held it like precious cargo in the palm of my hand, I liked my plan better anyway it was reasonable and made sense to me.

It was an ordinary day looking not much different from the ones that preceded it, when the soil of the little pot where that tiny seed was planted many years ago became unsettled and blooms began to push through the black earth that kept that tiny seed covered and protected.

Oh c’mon!!

I have often mused that I have the amazing ability to get lost in my own driveway, and that is exactly where I was, turned around and lost in my own driveway, I was facing south driving north and ended up somewhere in the east. I started to resemble one part Scooby-Doo running in 5 different directions at the same time and one part Deputy Dog in his deep dopey voice “which way do I go, which way do I go.”

I searched the secret chambers, those chambers we keep hidden away and never speak of what lay beyond their dusty doors because they are not practical or reasonable but rather colored in all shades of ridiculous to the human eye. The chamber where I filed away the plan I clearly misunderstood in the filing cabinet of “dreams I thunk up on my own.”

And those who heard it said, “Who then can be saved?’ But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” Luke 18:26-27.

So I stop

Stop and listen for His voice

Stop and listen to the scriptures I am reading

Stop and step back and listen to the words He is speaking around me

I am still seeking, still wondering still questioning, still really not knowing if I heard Him right or if I am just grasping at straws.

So it is one step one tiny little step one day at a time as I feel around for His hand on my shoulder guiding me in the way I should go.

We may not understand God’s plan, but He does.  Seek Him first and trust His answer, even when it is mired in every conceivable color of “that doesn’t make sense.”

“So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11

I am linking up with Tracy for Winsome Wednesday.